What’s with This New Definition of Fiancee?


The word fiancée is typically defined (in the dictionary) as a woman engaged to be married. When did that change? Dr. Laura (who I despised) used to question her women callers with: do you have a ring and a date? Everyday I see news articles that describe women as a fiancée who’ve been in relationships for eight years and have three kids. Seriously? They might be many things, but a fiancée isn’t one of them. I don’t have a problem with couples living together, but if you’re committed enough to have kids together then maybe you should consider marriage (for legal reasons if nothing else).

Obviously, being an old guy, I hark back to a more traditional time. Somewhere along the line the term fiancée has become a euphemism for living together (what we used to call shacking up). I’m okay with that until you introduce kids into the equation. An unmarried man lacks commitment pure & simple (women should understand that). Again, I don’t particularly have a problem with that until the kids start arriving. I know I sound judgemental and preachy (and I am), but kids need commitment.

My track record with relationships has been dismal (I’ve failed with every relationship I’ve been in), but I was enough of a man to commit when it came to my children and I never fathered a child outside of marriage. When I entered into marriage I thought it would work, and I tried (I think) to make it work each time. If you’re not ready to get married, then you’re not ready to be a parent in my humble opinion. Practice safe sex. Wanting to have kids is not enough (and is selfish) if you’re not ready to commit to marriage.

Men need to man-up and women need to quit having babies outside of marriage. It’s not a matter of religion, or even morality, with me—it’s a matter of practicality. If you cannot commit legally to one another, then you shouldn’t be producing offspring. And once you do have kids it’s your responsibility to take care of them until they reach adulthood. I don’t want to be responsible for your kids, financially or otherwise. Being a mother or father is the biggest responsibility you will ever have in life, to treat it as anything less shows your lack of commitment and maturity.

Commitment is a sign of emotional maturity, and by God you need to be mature if you’re going to have kids. Kids both deserve and demand your time and effort. I think I want a baby is not sufficient reason to have a baby, regardless of what your biological clock might be telling you. And kids need to have both a mother and a father (I think the state of our modern society clearly illustrates that). Men, if the marriage doesn’t work out, don’t abandon your kids—you will eventually regret your decision.

In summary, women should be honest with themselves: you are not a fiancée unless you’re engaged to be married (meaning you have a ring and a date). In my opinion you shouldn’t be having babies unless you’re married. Forcing a man, through ultimatums or pregnancy, to marry you isn’t a good solution—it usually fails in the end. If the man is unwilling to commit to you do you really want to be shacking up with him? To me it demonstrates a lack of maturity on the man’s part, and do you want to invest time in someone who’s unwilling to commit to you in the hopes that he might change his mind?


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